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Jaina Solo
21 November 2015 @ 10:35 am
Good ol' LiveJournal. I can always come to you for my innermost thoughts.

I wrote a book based off of a graphic novel I had planned out ten years ago. I poured my heart into it, carried it with me for months, and now I feel like it's time to abort it. It's not that the writing isn't good--I think my style lends itself well to book format--but there are just too many cracks in the foundation of the story, and it's crumbling beneath the weight of itself. My editor has been wonderful throughout the whole process, but I feel like it's getting to the point where it's too much even for him to fix.

I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I love these characters as if they were my best friends. And now I fear that their story will never see the light of day. It's a heartbreak that's almost unreal, because it hinges on the fact that I failed them. I'm not good enough to bring them to life. I'm an imposter posing as a writer.

I'm sorry, Jena and Ariel. I really wanted to show the world what you had to offer.

Jaina Solo
22 January 2014 @ 08:47 am
I am lost without maximumhuzzah.
Jaina Solo
18 January 2014 @ 12:20 pm
Well, I guess it's official. My depression is back in full-force. I had been denying it for the past few months, just telling myself it's a momentary stumble, but I can't lie anymore. I'm totally miserable and I don't know why.

I'm tired all the time. I made an appointment to get a physical finally, but I doubt they are going to tell me anything I don't already know. I have a lot of trouble sleeping; not falling asleep, but staying asleep. I anticipate Buddy's whines everyday at 6 am on the dot so the slightest sound that comes from his rouses me. I think I don't get into deep sleep very much because I always wake up totally groggy and not the least bit refreshed. I can easily take a couple of naps during the day and not feel any different.

Being tired all the time makes it almost impossible for me to get anything done. I've missed deadlines and flaked on loved ones because I can't get out of bed. I'm losing clients and friends. I'm drowning in my own guilt. Literally, the anxiety makes it hard for me to breath.

I've gained weight and my body feels like it's falling apart. I've fallen so far since 2012 in my heath and fitness goals. I am in a perpetual state of self-loathing but I can't bring myself to make any changes. My self-esteem has plummeted so far that I avoid looking at myself in mirrors.

Jim is still out of work, and I have so little work coming in that I'm wracked with anxiety over money. I love my parents but we are suffocating in this house. There's no room for any of our stuff, and so our room is filled with boxes and no place to unpack. I'm drowning and I just want everything to end so I'm not suffering anymore.
Jaina Solo
06 January 2014 @ 02:33 pm
My biggest New Year's resolution is to spend more time with Niles. The last five years he has been boarded at a training facility that care and ride him for me, and it has been far too easy for me to just leave him in their hands and forget about him. Out of sight, out of mind. If I were still showing I probably would have been spending more time with him, but showing has lost all appeal to me and he is in his golden years now. He deserves to be retired in posh luxury.

I'll be moving him February 15th to Mount Miguel Equestrian Center, a short 15 minute drive from my house. He's upgrading to a spacious 16' x 20' box stall with an attached corral in the main barn where he can people watch to his heart's content. I look forward to having a hot walker again. Now to dig my saddle out of storage…

My hope for him is to spend his twenties spoiled by little girls. Maybe he'll even teach a few of them how to ride. But I'll always be there for him when he needs me, even if all his teeth fall out, because he was always there for me whenever I needed him.

Niles in his heyday

Ageing gracefully

Jaina Solo
05 January 2014 @ 11:56 am
I watched a documentary based on the life of 65_redroses and it wasn't until the end of the movie that I realized that she was using LiveJournal as her blog, which inspired me to make this post.

I am guilty of getting wrapped up in my own life, my own circle of friends and activities that make it easy to forget about everything else that is going on in the world. I can't even wrap my brain around the idea of dying in my early 20's; sometimes I wonder if I had been diagnosed with CF what kind of person I would be. Certainly much more appreciative of the little things in life; I would still probably be a worrier, but my worries would be different.

I haven't gone back and read any of my old LJ posts in a long time. I have never been able to bring myself to delete this journal, though, because it contains a record of the person I was ten years ago. Being able to revisit your past self is a gift, I think. I have learned so much in ten years, come so far, yet in some ways I have barely changed at all.

I am not exactly where I saw myself being at 29, but I'm not beating myself up over it. Coping with my depression has been the biggest obstacle that has altered my life's path. I would love to say I beat depression, like beating cancer, but depression has no cure. Managing it is the best I can hope for. There are times when the idea of living with depression for the rest of my life is too much to bear, and I want so badly to end things and set myself free from the prison of my mind. But the guilt is too much, and I preserver, putting one foot in front of the other. Is this life?

I feel guilty for Jim, for Yuriy, and for anyone who has ever had to experience my wrath of misery. I crave profound love, but my language of love is different from everyone else's, and it becomes lost in translation. I feel like the world's loneliest whale who sings at the wrong frequency.

I feel like Jaina during the Vong war; she didn't love herself enough to want to save herself. All the love in the world isn't enough to save me from myself.

Jaina Solo
06 May 2011 @ 10:31 am
My work threw a Cinco de Mayo party last night entitled "Cinco de Munny", where we all had to decorate Munny figures and bring them to the party to be raffled off. Photos of this year's Munnies aren't up yet but last year's photos will give you an idea how creative people get when decorating their Munnies.

The Munny I decorated for this year"s partyCollapse )

The Munny I won in the raffleCollapse )

P.S. It's been so long since I've been on LJ it took me a few minutes to remember the HTML code. ;_;
Jaina Solo
05 May 2011 @ 07:25 am
I woke from a horrific nightmare this morning; I dreamt there was a dog that had been hit by a car and had lost the lower half of it's body laying in the middle of the street, and it was still alive. I was crying hysterically and screaming at the driver of the car I was in to pull over, but they wouldn't stop.

Harm to animals makes me really sad. I don't even like it when kids chase the pigeons at work. I don't know why parents don't teach their children respect for living things. :(

Jaina Solo
29 April 2011 @ 08:26 pm
It hasn't quite been a year since I last posted... I keep thinking that someday I'll drag myself back to my one true love, LiveJournal, but then I remember that no one really reads LJ anymore. My words will fall on deaf ears. ;_;

I don't even know why I feel possessed to post tonight, I don't have much to say. My dad is sick so I did his grocery shopping for him today, and I took Buddy to the groomers this afternoon since he decided to lay in a puddle at dog park. Cleaned my car out. Wanted to clean my room and work on commissions but I think I'll watch BSG instead. I have the next three days off work but then I work 6 days next week.

Maybe I'll keep this up.
Jaina Solo
12 March 2010 @ 07:57 pm
On the walk home from BART tonight I thought long and hard about the last time I was truly happy, and I figured that that was almost two years ago, when I was still a blond. Way to make yourself cry, Shea.
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